How to Get a Belgian National Team Jersey, In Three Simple Steps. Illustrated Version.

So, as you may or may not be aware, the Cyclocross World Championships were this weekend, in Kentucky. Also, as you may or may not know, but now do, the Belgians are some pretty hot shit when it comes to racing
Cyclocross. Reliable sources inform us that during the World Championships the country shuts down and about half of the eleven million people in the country* are glued to their TV sets, watching the Belgians hand everyone else their asses in Cyclocross**. No disappointment this year. Belgian racers came in first, second and fourth at this year’s World Championships. This has the dual effect of making Belgian racers really cool, and, by extension, their gear really cool. You need to know this in order to fully understand how rad Stealin’ yer Boyfrens really is.

How can I get me one of those sky blue jerseys, you ask. How can I too be cool like the Belgians? Two ways, my friend. Two ways.

1) Go make the Belgian National Team. Good luck with that.

2) Get a Belgian National Team Member to remove his shirt, exposing his smooth, rippling abs, and hand it to you, so you can immediately put it on and bask in the warm, manly scent.

Allow Stealin’ yer Boyfrens to demonstrate, in three simple steps:

Step One: Approach, and talk to Belgian National Team Member. (In this demonstration, Bart Wellens, who came in fourth in the World Championships, is a delicious hottie, and happens to be incredibly nice to boot.)***

Step Two: Both give and receive kiss from said Belgian National Team member. (See exhibits one and two. Note blue shirt of Belgian National Team Member, and how achingly cool it is.)****

Exhibit One

Exhibit Two

Step Three: Exchange shirts. (See exhibit three. Note aforementioned blue shirt, now worn by Jorts Member SYB.)

Exhibit Three

Voila. You are now super cool, without the effort of riding your bicycle twice a day from age nine to however old you are and putting all other life goals and any semblance of a normal life on hold.

Shit’s the jam.


*There is no indication what the other five and a half million people are doing, whether there is a Belgian equivalent to the puppy bowl, or how many pounds of frites are consumed in the process.

** Which must feel pretty good. Anyone who knows their history doesn’t automatically associate “Belgium” with “dominate.” Unless you go all the way back to King Leopold II, but no one really wants to go there.

*** Standing awkwardly near said National Team Member, holding a beer and not talking because you are overcome with awe/too drunk to be coherent/can’t think of anything to say does not work. Actual conversation must occur to ensure success.

**** Tongue is optional but not necessary. Greater success in steps two and three may be had by those possessing vaginas, but further research is required to verify initial findings.


5 responses to “How to Get a Belgian National Team Jersey, In Three Simple Steps. Illustrated Version.

  1. Pingback: Obligatory I’m Gonna Brag SoOoOo Much Blog | Team Jortz·


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