This Month in Jortz

Now let’s see here…

What have we been up to this past month?! In a word, parties. You’d be surprised to know that other than beards, bike riding and opening beer bottles with our molars, we love parties! Wait, are you suprised? Are you? Are you? Are you? Okay.

In no particular order, stay with me now:

Las VegasVegas can’t handle the jortz!jortz!jortz!

I got kicked out of sumdumclub for dancing too crazy. Let that sink in………..  Yup. Dancing too crazy. OR dancing with women. So, I am led to believe that in LasVegasVegas, people are either homophobic or don’t know how to dance. These three pictures are the only photographic evidence that I have to share of said incident. Notice girls on stage and lame ass bouncers who obviously can’t recognize other-worldly dance moves when they see them. What really tickles me about these pictures, is that this is EXACTLY how I remember the night looking! Blurry, unable to focus, all over the place and too many bright lights. I’m glad my smartphone was just as drunk as I was.

The SportsBasement CX party happened

There was free beer.

We unabashedly sold Jortz shirts inside the SB and threw one in for the raffle grandprize. Can you guess who paid for their shirt and who won theirs in the raffle?! Thanks for the paid and unpaid support, you three. Now we can better afford more races! *Heal up fast Laura “Shnid-WID”!!!

Jortz are taking over

We’ve notice a delightful new trend taking over the Bay Area, called jorts. Or more appropriately, “all of our friends and local haunts are filled with the jortz gospel and it’s spreading like wildfire.” Hallelujah! My favorite just so happens to be the, “Moms in Jortz movement.” Exhibit A.

Perfect execution of jortz style. I couldn’t have done it bett– oh wait, yes I could’ve. With these: (!!!!!!)

Notice the mom height waist band and daisy-duke cut. I’ve been trying to convince my boo-friend that this style is all the rage but he remains unconvinced…

I can think of greater offenses. Exhibit B. Scene of the crime: Montano Velo‘s party for their bikes n’things.

DFL came and went

In like a lion out and like a drunk. I made it to two DFL races this year. My all time record!!!

I took some cameraphone photos, but of course there some amazing local photographers in attendance who took way better photos with way costlier equipment.

DFL Final at Middle Harbor Shoreline by Pamela Palma

DFL Final at Middle Harbor Shoreline by Pamela Palma


DFL #1 at McLaren by Ted Ketai

Clicka-da-photos for more from Ted and Pamela. I’m biased of course. I’m friends with these two. They’re great people and I want them to take as many photos of Team Jortz as possible.

The New Team Jortz Skinsuit

And if you didn’t alrady know. The new jortz kit is here and only available for loan. I hope you’re a size “i don’t think you’re ready for this jelly” cause my booty be ‘licious and this kit be straight outta 1999. Selfie alert!

Sorry, I had to do it. The kit has been further ‘dazzled, so look out for this forthcoming gem at this season’s races!

This has been Your Month in Jortz. And remember, Exhibit B:

Thus you can see, Team Jortz has been absurdly active this past month, so active that you might even think we were popular, sociable, nice people and not just assholes riding bikes in circles. But never fear, we’re still assholes. We still ride our bikes in circles.


Always pithy. Sometimes classy.



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